National Velociraptor Awareness Day was on the 18th of April, but it take a while for these things to evolve. This should not be worth mentioning. Everyone shared the memes of Jesus holding the baby dinosaur, which we all accept as a velociraptor but I’m not a paleontologist, are you? The memes said, “Creationism… something something something,” and “All creatures great and small, t’was God that made them all.” Some people wore it on t-shits, or baseball hats, or flu season fashion masks.
When it wasn’t Jesus with the raptor baby, it was Philosoraptor asking hard hitting questions like, “If the opposite of PRO is CON what is the opposite of congress,” or, “Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is,” or, “If scientists are playing God, then aren’t they doing it wrong,” or — and indulge me on one last one — “Is an argument between two vegans still called a beef?” These questions and more will be answered herein. I assume that’s why you are here, right?
Suppose for a moment that you were born, not with a vestigial tail, but, just a tail. And, suppose for a moment that on this tail you had not many, just a few, perhaps a sprinkling, of something not exactly scales and not exactly feathers. Suppose that it is 2020-something and the nails of your index fingers just keep trying to roll up into a point, but, even though you can’t get a date because, Lisa, we’re going to call her Lisa, because there is always a Lisa, hates your cold eyes. Cold. That is the word she uses.
Imagine, that you’re young and full of hormones, and, well, those scales are starting to spread and your outie is becomes more of a... uh… I always have a hard time with this word… glo- no, clo- Chloe! Your boy parts are turning into a Chloe Sevigny! And while your tail is becoming, mmm, tumescent and girthy, your mound and nails just don’t mix — no matter how thoughtful you look with them on your chin. So, like any rational adolescent sleeping on a heated waterbed in his mother’s basement, you go to the internet.
I’m assuming our friend had been there, on the net, for a while, well for sometime before V-Day. No, not that V-Day, the new one. April 18th. And, I’m assuming deep in the bowels of 4Raptor or on Raptor4Raptor or on Christian Tingle and Raptr, he had been recruiting. Putting out snake whistles. Jesus holding a dino and the impact font says “NEVER ALONE.” Maybe it was the Raptor-Jesus with the phrase, “The kingdom of glo- I mean clo- I mean, Chloe Sevigny is at hand.” But in this miasma — cool word, right? — he found others like him.
Okay everybody. Before we run out of rations and kerosene, before we find out if vegans are beef, lets hold hands and sing “Chloe-Sevigny-Ba-Ya” over the beauty of finding people like oneself, of finding community. Think of how good those scaly boys must have felt to find others with tails and little mounds of Chloe and long index nails. I’m not saying this is true, but I’ve seen it on the internet, where someday someone will read this tale if you write it down, that the lack of women in Asian countries has led to “opportunist homosexuality.”
Please take that off the record. I shouldn’t have said it. But I think it was Vice. If the power ever comes back on, look it up, but again, don’t say you heard it from me. “Se-vi-gny my lord, Clo-Ba-Ya, I hear the clicks my lord, Sev-Ba-Ya.” All singing aside, the problem with communities is that, well, they want things. The Lisas reject them so they have to bump Chloes, and when that’s not enough, you get a bunch of lizard men dressed as lizards, which reminds me — lizards dressed as men are men dressed as lizards: Book of Memes, 4:18.
Anyways, these Rep-Cels storm the capitol yelling in the ancient tongues of their ancestors — which I’m pretty sure was just Skeksi gibberish and repurposed Civil Rights chants and old-timey Gospel — with war paint on their faces and signs like, “I’ll Park my Jurassic Tail in Your Ass!” and, “This Raptor Bites Back!” and, oddly enough, “No War For Oil!” I was happy to see something actually political but the rest was all anti-Israel, and that seemed very off message, and even in a coup-pocalypse, I’m not touching that.
And this is why I hope you had the good rations with no Scott Botulism, pokes or dents, and I hope you’re feeling very... as the kids say... “tight butthole,” because there in the middle of Congress these Sleestak mo-fos literally start chanting, “All the lizards great and small — (Great and small)” — there’s kind of an echo effect to their singing — “T’was Q that made them all — (Made them all).” And clench for this, really. The got-damn frakking ceiling opened and I. Kid. You. Not. Q The Winged Serpent descended amongst them, and right out of her Chloe Sevigny, a googolplex of eggs.
Apparently it takes exactly as long as is narratively convenient for a possibly mythological, possibly imaginary, incredibly obscure deus ex machine film reference to have her eggs hatch. And that is exactly how long it took. And each one of those eggs was a little Skeksi-screeching girl Sleestack, and all the little sad Rep-Cels named them Lisa. Aside from hiding in this bunker and pretending you tin cans are my friends, I’m happy for them. Seems like the opposite of CONgress is PROgress, at least if you have a clo-clo-Chloe Sevigny.